Random One-Liners

I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Life Time

I wear my heart on my sleeve… I wear my liver on my pant leg.


Appearance Body Characteristics Emotions Situations

The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one often comes from strong will, and the other from strong won’t.

(1813 – 1887) American clergyman, social reformer & abolitionist
Characteristics Wordplay

They should send Borg away to another planet. We play tennis. He plays something else.

Romanian professional tennis player
Sports

Underwear: An article of clothing which, when kept clean, ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

Appearance Clothing Definitions

You might be a redneck if… your family tree doesn’t fork.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family People Relationships

Now don’t get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin’ ‘em more… fun to pet, better to chew.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Eating Food/Drink

Rachel: Ok, Joey, we’ll do it one more time. Don’t forget the rules – heads I win, tails you lose.

Joey: Just flip the coin!

(1967 – ) American actor & producer
TV/Movie Quotes

Resident alien

Oxymorons

Baseball players are smarter than [American] football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the pitch?

American baseball pitcher
Baseball Football Sports

Money… was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did.

(1924 – 1987) American novelist, writer, playwright, poet & civil rights activist
Money Sex

I like to call therapy “baggage claim.”

(1982 – ) American comedian & actress
Health

As anyone who has ever been around a cat for any length of time well knows, cats have enormous patience with the limitations of the human kind.

(1917 – 1998) author, critic, animal rights activist
Animals Cats Characteristics People

Retired is being tired twice, I've thought, first tired of working, then tired of not.

(1906 – 1989) American poet & author
Work

My husband could have had any women he pleased – he just couldn't please any!

Husbands Marriage Women

He’s going to blow the gates of hell wide open when he goes.

Miscellaneous

And now, coming into the game is the five-ton junior from Canton, Ohio.

Misspokements Sports

I’m no angel, but I’ve spread my wings a bit.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Life Self

You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here; you must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Speech

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Headlines

What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? … we shall call him Englebert Humperdink… yes, that'll work.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
People