Random One-Liners

Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker
Men Sex Things Women

Every organization has an allotted number of positions to be filled by incompetents.

Murphy’s Laws People

Chef Gets Life for Cooking Wife

Headlines

Stick with me and you'll be wearing silk underwear.

Miscellaneous

I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Bushisms

The penis mightier than the sword.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Communication Wordplay

I've had them both, and I don't think much of either.

(1903 – 1979) British actress, theatre director & author
Insults Sex

If it has genitals on the outside it’s hiding something on the inside.

(1958 – ) American actress & singer
Men People TV/Movie Quotes

My career must be slipping… this is the first time I’ve been available to pick up an award.

(1933 – ) English actor
Success Work

Tarmac Close To Merger With Aggregate

Headlines

Let me out of here !!!

Epitaphs

Doug probably fell while he was looking for a place to jump.

(1944 – 2014) American actor, director & writer
Situations

And we're by far the most generous nation in the world when it comes to that, and I'm proud to report that. This isn't a contest of who's the most generous. I'm just telling you as an aside. We're generous. We shouldn't be bragging about it. But we are. We're very generous.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Bushisms

My life’s been hard, and all things show it; I always thought so and now I know it.

Epitaphs

Here rests an old woman who always was tired, for she lived in a house where no help was hired; Her very last words were, “My friends I am goin*, to a land where there's nothin' of washin' or sewin', and everything there shall be just to ray wishes, for where they don't eat there's no washin' of dishes; the land with sweet anthems is constantly ringin', but having no voice I'll get clear of the singin'." She folded her hands, her latest endeavor, and whispered, "Oh nothin', sweet nothin forever."

Epitaphs

A New Zealander in a frenzy is an American in a coma.

(1970 – ) New Zealand stand-up comedian & radio & television personality
Characteristics Places World

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Situations

Obscene art

Oxymorons

Her body has gone to her head.

(1907 – 1990) American actress
Appearance Body Insults

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

(1954 – ) Indian Professor of Journalism
Husbands Marriage Wives

Ski slope injuries "hurt NHS"

Headlines