Random One-Liners

I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Communication Language People

A mediocre season for Nelson Piquet as he is now known and always has been.

(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator
Auto racing Misspokements Sports

People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair.

Miscellaneous

If you find something you like buy a lifetime supply – they’re going to stop making it.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I was a trampoline salesman… off and on.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Work

Thorp’s Corpse

Epitaphs

Woman Fined for Not Giving 30-day Notice Before Dying

Headlines

Speed Limit Enforced by Sniper

Miscellaneous

Wednesday: Pass the salt.
Morticia: And what do we say?
Wednesday: NOW!

(1980 – ) American actress
TV/Movie Quotes

I don’t drink, I’m a totalitarian.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian
Alcohol Characteristics Food/Drink Misspokements

Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.

Military Murphy’s Laws

Middle age is when, whenever you go on holiday, you pack a sweater.

(1922 – ) English comedy writer & television presenter
Age

As long as I have you there is just one other thing I'll always need — tremendous self control.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Emotions Situations

It's a big nut to swallow.

Mixed metaphors

To show that his energy bill is about more than drilling for oil in Alaska. This week President Bush visited a plant in Virginia that turned soy beans into a clean burning diesel fuel; which the president hopes one day will be used to fuel oil drilling machines in Alaska.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
TV/Movie Quotes

Tennis: a racquet sport in which two players compete to see who has the shortest temper, the worst memory, the poorest eyesight, and the slowest watch.

Sports

In my youth there were words you couldn’t say in front of a girl; now you can’t say ‘girl.'

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Communication Language Speech

Fleas can be taught nearly anything a congressman can.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Education Learning Politicians

Tavern: Thirst come, thirst served.

Definitions Food/Drink

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Occupations Work

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Things Women